That feeling

My phone will show you an alarm.. An alarm set for 5.30am. You see, I do try… I do try to wake up.. live up to your expections.. everyone’s expectations.  And I don’t want to put you down.. I really don’t want to. But the room.. the bed.. it just holds me there.. it has the power like drugs. And I am addicted to it. The darkness. I am addicted to it.  My mind, it wants to come out of it. But my soul is somewhat stuck. I don’t know what I should do. I lie awake in my bed till late night. Avoid talking to anyone. Cause once my way of conversation was questioned. I was told that I embarrass people who are with me. And it came for that particular someone. No I am not blaming him. I am not blaming anyone or anything. Not even me. Or should I? It’s like my confidence has fallen so deep down the hole that it’s dead. No.. no one came to me with my childhood served in a beautiful plate decorated with flowers. It came in a thorn bed. It came with me trying to push the earphones of the dead mp3 player up into my ears as far as they could go. It came with tears rolling down the cheeks of the person I love the most. It came with me looking at the deathbed of my grandfather who was there with me the day before, promising me that he will never leave. It came with a gift. My room. That darkness you hate. That darkness embraced me.. held me in it’s arms all the while I cried. Yes.. that empty room has seen tears more than you could ever imagine. My pillow made it it’s mission to not let you get disturbed while I just slept there tears spilling out like a wild storm hitting.. hitting bad. I talk to people. I don’t talk to people. You know why I try and talk? Because I am afraid. I am afraid of being lost once and forever. I am lost. Yes I admit it. I am ashamed at my own existence but all you care is telling me that I exist in my room. Yes I know. I shut myself down. I hate people. I hate talking, interacting with any living thing!! And yes you are right. I . Just. Exist. You think I love being like this. Or I didn’t try to pull myself out. You know what? I failed… again… like I failed my 9th standard. Like i failed to keep my 6 years boyfriend. My love failed when I heard him saying he does not love me anymore.. I failed as a daughter for my father. I failed as a family member to the rest of the family. Oh but I try to smile. I do smile right? I get cranky but I do smile. Try to be polite.. Try to prove that I still have a heart and that I am kindhearted. Right.. kindhearted.. if only some people were. My life would had been perfect. I tried to be perfect to every one.. but that was my mistake. I agree. I used to see the shouting and would try to escape to my room. Why then, didn’t you, at that time try to stop all that shouting.. all that noise.. all that was killing my childhood and tried to take me out of that room and tell me that you will never fight again?? Why then, and what right do you have to try to pull me out of the place where I finally fit in? And that too after 12 years. Why not then? Do you have an answer to that? No, you dont!! You tell me you will hang yourself.. did you once feel that thought may have ever passed my mind too? And at this age? Did you ever thing what was happening to me then? Or what goes on in my mind when I wake up every morning with just one eye? You tell me things happen.. you tell me people have problems. Yes they do but they know how to fight it.. eventually so etimes but they do. But I do not. I try to sort out and they jumble up further.. Yes now you call me immature.  I maybe.. But was just making that statement enough? 

Yes like other humans, I do like to be happy. But do I have that chance? Do you even know how many times I fall asleep at 3 or 4 or 6 in the morning crying? You want to show me your tears.. I don’t. You see me as an aggressive woman. But that is not aggression. That is fear.. I fear of losing people. I fear the way I will lose that person. Because I have seen just that.. people come, make promises, and leave. They try and win my trust. They do win my trust. But then? Then what when they leave ? What do you expect me to do? How many times do I have to break before I should put my guards on? You have known me.. seen me passing through good and bad. But then what? What when you feel you are just a dead weight and can do nothing about it? 

You give me everything.. everything I need. Or maybe you give me everything you Think I need. Those days running to the hospital and back, do you think I can ever forget that? Do you think it’s that easy to forget the fact  that I am half blind?? I will be that for the rest of my life. Yes I do not intend to sit on my butt and cry forever. But right now every door seems to be closed. Can you help me out of it.. can you help me when I am so clearly screaming for it..? 

You know I am fed up. Not with this blindness or any of my physical problem. I am tired of hearing people calling me a retard on the streets as I walk past them. I am tired of hearing people advising me to visit a “better” doctor.. I am tired of people telling me to get better treatment so that (an I quote) “I could be normal”. I am tired of people telling me that they have been through a bad phase too or that everyone has a problem. Yes I know that. This, that thing that is happening to me that clearly I can’t explain by words or actions is not a “problem”. And no I am not “mentally sick”. I am tired of hearing you shouting and cursing… I am tired of crying. Every night. Yes every single night.

You know I wish I could get out of this, whatever it is. I wish I had a “normal childhood”. Maybe then I would had grown with age. 

But you know.. let it be.. you will never understand.. as I will never understand.  

Those Memories (part -1)

                                                     ” You and I,

         We are like fireworks in symphonies exploding in the sky”                                                                        –(sad song)-
There he was, in his car, waiting.

Butterflies, unexplained, in her stomach, making her all the more nervous. She had no idea what to expect of the awaiting evening.

Getting in his car, beside him, she was just heavily blushing. No one can look this handsome, she thought, looking at him. He, looking at her and smiling. Nothing felt perfect like his perfect laughter. ‘Don’t keep quiet like an idiot!’ The man who rarely replied to her texts within a minute, couldn’t take her seconds of silence. A silly laughter threatened to escape her lips. What could she say? She had already made a good amount of foolish show in front of him in the past days, today she was in no mood to repeat it. And also, what and how could she speak? There he was, her hero, driving incredibly well even after being incredibly impatient. She never in her dreams thought she would see this part of him ever. That smile, that laughter, that look…

It was raining all morning, thunder flashing in the evening sky too. They both wished it to rain, heavily, letting her drift away from the real world with her hero. Her foolishly romantic self being kissed suddenly, those unexpected moments making it all the more dream like, all the more beautiful. 

God! That perfectly carved human being. He just looked like a dream inside a dream. His scent still lingering on her shirt, they sat there silently. She so wished the time to stop. She wanted no world to exist outside the one they had created, in his car. Just him. Just her. Just those moments she felt his skin, his lips pressed to hers.

World exploded, when he suddenly swooped down and kissed her intensely, not caring the least about the men sitting just a little away from them.

God was a witness, she had never laughed so hard in years. Him laughing as much with her was a blessing.  He made her forget everything. Her daily dose of anti-depressants prescribed by her doctor, she could happily throw it away right now. 

He said, “you are looking amazing”, she really couldn’t believe, with him looking like a Greek God. 

She wished the road would never end… They never have to stop… The time never racing… She wanted to feel him just a little longer. Kiss him much more intensely. Crack just a few more stupid jokes.

                                                          Hold his hand and never let it go. 

The silly jokes the shared laughter, him smiling at her jealous self, those hours were the craziest most amazing moments that will be carved in her heart….. forever.

That Love

She was losing him. 

She was feeling him slip away, little by little. He was walking away as he once came into her life.

The day she saw him, standing on the school corridor, she felt something different. Something she never experienced before was going on in her heart. Her heart was melting, it felt like after years a beautiful flower had started blooming in the cold icy land, he was her sunlight. He was her first love. And that was the first time she saw him.

He looked ordinary for others. For her, only she knew how special he was. She was suddenly aware of herself. Her looks, her hair, her words, she needed to change, she needed to be the best in the world for him. 

And everyday he was the reason she got out of her bed and dragged herself to school. Everyday…

Till the day he suddenly wasn’t there. He just wasn’t!! Oh how she broke! A million pieces, shatteted and scattered on the floor. She couldn’t understand anything. She felt lost. Her first love unknowingly broke her heart.

Days went by…. And suddenly he reappeared in her life out of nowhere. Wasn’t she the happiest person alive. Oh wasn’t she. She forgot everything, the world she lived in, the life she led. He once again was her world, her life. Her life was just him, just his everything. 

But again her fate had some cruel game ready for her. And he was gone again, and this time she started losing hope. She started losing faith in love. Yes, he was gone. Unannounced. He was gone without knowing how much he was loved, how much respected, adored.

Her life came to a stop. She forgot how to smile, how to live, how to breathe. She forgot herself. Stopped talking to anyone, always alone and crying in the dark. She let herself be miserable. Let herself be ignored by the world. And that way she began a life.

He was there again. 

He was there standing beside her looking at her. And she, conscious again.

Oh but this time he would know. He has to know that someone has been waiting for him, silently. That for someone he was her everything. 

And she said it. Yes, she did. In response… She was rejected. She was shown that in real world there was no space for her love. Gods have been just playing with her. She was their mode of entertainment.

She couldn’t believe herself. She had lost. Lost everything for the last time now. But she wouldn’t let him go. Not this time. She just can’t! Can’t you see? She never loved anyone so dearly. She never felt so deeply and never will.

But now, he is slipping out her life. Slowly, silently. His beautiful smile fading into nothing. His deep eyes that showed her rainbows, that rainbow was vanishing for ever.

God! She was losing him again. 

God! Only if love was real. Only if he could feel how much she loved him. Only if he would let her in just once, he would see how much he meant to her. That he was the air, the light, the life for her.

No, he was not going alone this time. He was not fading alone. He now was taking her heart with him. Her life with him. Giving her nothing but emptiness…

“I held him close but said nothing, all the while telling him silently that he was loved. Oh but he was loved.”– Me Before You

Tangled

It was raining heavily outside. She sat there near the window, her eyes – mirror image of the sky. 

She had no idea why she felt hurt. She should not be. It was his everyday thing. He, being always busy, would not reply or text ever. She knew that. Her mind knew that. But her heart, it was still beating. She was hurt. Just her unexplained self.

She always told herself, ‘never expect, why from him when you know he is not yours. Never was.’

But still her heart won’t listen. Her eyes building up a storm while she checked her phone again. The least he could do was text her. For once make her feel better. 

Love never treated her well and as she is, she has been broken hearted. And now, she gave up on it.

No, it was not love that she expected. Because some made her realize love does not exist, while some never cared for her feelings. Her fairy tale, her prince, that beautiful story does not exist.

All she wanted was to be treated like she existed. Just make her feel humane. Make her feel she was meant something, just a little something.

The ignorance was killing her. Her heart coming to a stop, beating its last. 

She should not be feeling anything. Then why, oh why was her heart aching, her eyes searching something that was not hers. 

God just take her away now. She can’t bear the pain of not existing now. She can’t bear being mistreated now. She can’t now.

Oh but she can.. Just one last time…

Twisted Self

Darkness… 

Yet another day gone by, leaving her little more broken, little more exhausted. 

Darkness… 

Lying on her bed, breathing in, breathing out. The heart pumping, beating. 

Darkness… 

Even though it was just 5 a.m., the birds chirping. People waking up. A bus just passed by her house.

Darkness… 

In her room, alone, mind killing her. She heard the house come to life and her’s stopping.

Darkness… 

She was now in love with it. She loved being alone. She loved being miserable.

“Leave me alone!! Let me be!! I don’t want to talk to any one!!!” She shouted, tears rolling down her cheeks. No one undersood her. Her words were just taken for granted, as was she.

Didn’t she deserve a bit better? Only God knew how strong she was. How she fought every urge to end her life. How looking at people smiling and laughing and enjoying with their friends at the café she went, made her wish she had atleast one person she could sit there with.

But all she ever heard was her friends, or the people she called friends, laughing at her lost self. All she ever felt was people stabbing her back. No one ever held her hand, showed her how precious she was. 

They just wanted to correct her. ‘Whatever I am doing is for your good,’ they said. But how can they? How can you correct someone who never existed for you!? How do you correct someone who already is so lost that she can’t find a way back? 

Can you help her by stopping her trusting someone? Can you help her by telling her to stop  loving? Can you?? 

Can you feel what she felt when she was rejected by the person who called himself her lover? Can you feel how she felt when she was called a whore, a bitch by people she thought were her best friends? Can you feel how she felt when the person she loved said there could be nothing in between them?

And she kept her lips sealed… Being played with was now a part of her routin. Silent tears ecaping when she tried to be normal, tried to ignore everything.

She was just like anyone else. All she ever wanted was love, friendship, trust… But never got any. 

She trusted everyone…

She loved everyone… Truly…

She thought everyone her friend, a true guide…

But she was stabbed, again and again… Repeatedly telling her there was no place for her in this world.

How many times do you expect her to fight? How many times was the true self to be torn, shredded into nothing?

Darkness was where she found herself now. Alone and tired, when she was broken for the last time, Darkness wrapped its arms around her. It felt so good, to be finally loved by something. Yes, now she was falling for it too… Tears still in her eyes. But now she got used to it. She loved to be alone. She loved crying. Getting ignored now did not affect her anymore. She was not for this world, right? She was for the world that now she created, where no one existed, no one loved, no one cared. The world where she felt nothing, emptiness around. 

Love became nightmare for her… Cutting herself out of everyone’s lives because they were not happy to have her. 

Darkness… Her better half now.

Darkness… Her soulmate for eternity…

Galaxies in His Eyes

They sat there, coffee cups in hand, smiling awakwardly. ‘Can’t believe I am here,’ he said. 

She couldn’t look into his eyes. ‘They tell stories, they tell me everything,’ he once had told her, those words almost slipping out of him. He liked her style of silent answers with her eyes. She was blushing, sitting in front of him. He did notice, brushing his fingers against the hot coffee cup. 

‘The weather is nice,’ she pointed to the clouds taking shape of god knows what. God! Half an hour passed with she repeating the same weather comment four times now! But she couldn’t help it. She loved his silent smiles, because they drew rainbows in his eyes.

Yes, she loved his eyes too. Those peaceful and calm; yet shining eyes. As if a storm had just passed. She gazed directly at him. The stars shining under the pitch black clouds, as if playing hide and seek with the world, he just couldn’t hide it from her. She could see the mystries hiding within– unsolved, untouched- silently screaming to be heard. But she just smiled. Smiled cause that was how she could hide her desperation to touch them, solve them and let those stars shine again, brighter than before…

‘Shall we?’ His voice called her back to reality. That coffee cup empty and cold now, she saw him leave. What if she could dive into the eyes that admired her smile. ‘You should smile more like this.’ Didn’t he once say? 

What if they had an eternity? What if she could feel her heart melt in his arms for an eternity? 

She would gaze into his eyes then and search the galaxies of stars she knew were within them.

And then would live in them. Without asking for anything more. Happily.

For eternity…

Her Lost World

She was a happy being, with hundreds of friends and loving family. She had everything. Support from her teachers, awards in her name, praises and people who would surprise her with beautiful things. She used to wake up to birds chirping, as if singing good morning to her. She used to wake up to her favourite music, her favourite people’s smiling faces. “Everything is so perfect!” she thought. And indeed it was. She being the only daughter, only girl of her generation in her family, she was spoilt with the best. 

But that little girl hardly ever dreamt that her world was soon going to change, soon she will have to live without any of her luxuries.

Time passed and suddenly she sensed a change round her. As if, as if there was burden on her shoulder. As if, she was being expected of too much! 

She loved her family, but this started to scare the hell out of her! Once a free spirited, reckless idiot was turning into a bird with her wings cut off.

“This couldn’t be! This just should not be!!” She cried, but in silence. She never wished to be seen broken down like a glass, shattered to its core. 

Slowly and silently she became used to the darkness. Used to being alone and miserable. Used to thinking she is not worth anything.

Her eyes searching faces her ears heard laughing at her. Were not they just here? Or were they?

She was asked the reason but she just couldn’t link all the words to explain. Explain how useless she felt. How it worsned with everyday, every single day when she had to drag herself out of the bed every morning to nothingness. 

No one undersood. What they saw was the smile, the laughter, the ego, the attitude. 

“She doesn’t give a fuck! God! She and her ego.” She heard that. She heard her loved one saying she embarrasses them. She heard all and kept smiling.

She smiled even when inside her all she felt was nothing. Dead. 

Now she was to be tested on her physical strength! She became blind and doctors said it was migraine. A pain that could make a normal being faint, she bore it with a smile. There was no cure. 

A girl fond of books and passionate about writing and adventures was now blind and in pain. The pain of being dependent, being chained in her own situation was now killing her. And she decided to end it. This was not the life she lead, not the life she wanted. Then why? Why was she still breathing? Why was she still alive? Yes, she  has to end it! 

But how…? 

No she can’t. A little more fight perhaps. Maybe one day again those birds would sing her good morning. Maybe again those smiling faces would find a reason to love her and mend her heart. 

Maybe, just maybe…

Her New Year

She stepped out of his car, smiling and waved him goodbye. Though they never talk in front of their friends, they managed to find a little moment for themselves after the party. He was her first love. She couldn’t help but notice that they were wearing the same colour that day. ‘I wore black thinking you will notice,’ he had said later.

She walked the rest of her path home re living the moments and smiling to her self. She has been waiting for this for eight years now, her hopes failed her everytime. His life, his happiness had mattered so much to her that she never opened her lips. Or could be because she was afraid of the rejection, of losing him. But finally, finally there he was still waiting, watching her reach safely.

That night she opened the seal of her new diary, her New Year riual. On the very first page she wrote..

“30th December: A New End, A Beautiful Beginning…”